I haven’t been writing. ✏ Shame on me! 😅
I think it’s okay
I think it’s okay I haven’t. I don’t mean to keep re-hashing stuff I’ve written about before, but also who gives a fux. Sometimes you are busy doing other stuff and “life gets in the way.” I also get busy doing stuff in the mornings, afternoons, and night — and then I get too tired. Part of me feels guilty for this and another part of me feels like I am going too easy on myself. I don’t particularly like the feeling of letting myself off the hook. 🎣 I think that is the easy way out.
I really love the idea of writing every day. Even if I don’t write every day, it’s nice to have that goal in my mind, if that makes sense. It is like an anchor that keeps me grounded. I like the learn-as-you-go approach; I can always re-calibrate as I’m going through it. I also don’t mean to meta-write (writing about writing). I think it’s okay though because it’s what’s on my mind.
I like writing in the morning best. I feel my thoughts are much clearer and it sets a tone for the day. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and things seem to fall into place much better as the day unfolds. I am sometimes hard on myself when I don’t feel I’ve done much within a day. I compare myself to others and never really feel like what I’m doing is the right thing. I am realizing right now that this is a waste of time. Who is to say what is right and wrong? Only I can be the judge of that. I suppose what I’m getting at is that I want to spend my time wisely and not let it fritter away. I needn’t be so hard on myself though. I do get that feeling of it’s never enough though.
I have a mixture of feelings of work. I believe in hard work because it can and does pay off. If you put in the time, then surely you will reap the rewards. Not that the rewards are what you want necessarily, but it is nice to be appreciated for your work. This can come in many forms: praise, gratitude, compliments, 👍🏻, retweet, simply reading, watching, subscribing, money. The feedback you receive is an indicator you are doing something worthy. I feel more strongly aligned with the work smarter approach. I enjoy creating from a place of inspiration rather than a harsher approach. I think the key is striking the right balance with the discipline of the practice as well as leaving room for inspiration and creativity to breathe.
It’s so easy to get distracted on the internet, making it difficult to focus on your work. There are things that can be done, however. What should take less time when focused easily adds up when distracted — notifications alone are insanely distracting. Links lead to other links lead to chatting lead to whatever and down the rabbit hole we go. 🐇
Part of the reason I do this is discomfort. It’s somewhat uncomfortable to sit and stare at a screen where you are alone with your thoughts. At the same time, it’s always a very good feeling. Right now, I have a few tabs open. Another reason is to not feel so lonely and isolated when you write. If you have tabs open of authors and articles you feel like they are there with you in a sense. Something about that is comforting. A writer doesn’t need to feel alone anymore. But like I mentioned, reaching out to others directly or feeling social indirectly (having tabs open) can create distractions. On one hand, I welcome the outside noise, but on the other, I enjoy the feeling of focusing and getting stuff done.
I am not very social, to begin with. I like control. I am somewhat of a control freak. The fact that I am introverted and like being behind a computer screen mostly is comforting. From here, I feel I can be more of myself in a sense. Especially when I am creating such as now — through writing or other mediums. I don’t really care as much about the finished product as much as I do the journey. The action feeling of typing my fingers on the keyboard is irreplaceable. I enjoy watching the words appear on the screen, where it’s just me and my thoughts.
The Outside World can be confusing. In here, I have some degree or level of control. I like who I am with writing. When I am alone. When I step foot outdoors, there is more room for chance. This is totally fine and good too though. I suppose I have to learn to like myself more when surrounded by others. Thinking aloud, writing, and other forms of creativity will fill me out more. When I am in group settings again, I am hoping to feel more of myself. And that’s just it — I need to just learn to be myself. I feel in social group settings, I tend to try to impress or people please a bit too much sometimes.
The Outside World can be confusing. In here, I have some degree or level of control. I like who I am with writing. When I am alone. When I step foot outdoors, there is more room for chance. This is totally fine and good too though. I suppose I have to learn to like myself more when surrounded by others. Thinking aloud, writing, and other forms of creativity will fill me out more. When I am in group settings again, I am hoping to feel more of myself. And that’s just it — I need to just learn to be myself. I feel in social group settings, I tend to try to impress or people please a bit too much sometimes.
Of course, I want people to like me, but I just want to be me. I feel like sometimes in the past I went against the grain socially. Sometimes, because I want to overcome my social anxiety I will push myself and go to meetups, conferences, and other group settings. This on one hand is good for me because it pushes me out of my comfort zone. On the other hand, there are times when I don’t feel like I’m being my best self. There are times when I feel uncomfortable or feel like I should be doing this or should be doing that. This is about paying attention to my gut — it’s about paying attention to my feelings. If something feels right it is right, if something feels wrong it is wrong. This approach can be applied to many facets of life. It can be as complex or as simple as you’d like it to be. Simple wins in my book.
There are 2 worlds. The first world is an introverted one, and the other world is extroverted. Who you are in the introverted world is someone different than the extroverted world. As an introvert and also a Gemini, I wear different hats and communication styles — depending on my mood and who I’m hanging out with. These 2 worlds can become out of balance if you’re not careful, where one world favors the other. It can be difficult to strike the right balance if you rely heavily on one. We all are more dominant in one of those modes yet both are important. I know as an introvert, I have to psyche myself and my mind up and know I am entering an extroverted world. Even if this is just a temporary situation, it can be helpful to think of you loading up your mind of a more extroverted nature. Part of me doesn’t really like this though because it feels too “try-hard”. Why can’t I just be myself at all times? Why do I have to one way or another and cater to who’s in the room? Why not just honor my feelings in real-time and just go with that? It’s because socializing can be an anxious thing.
The extroverted world definitely feels out of balance for me. I don’t particularly enjoy group gatherings. It really depends though. It depends on the vibe and the people in the room. It depends on if I feel safe or not. One thing can set me off to where it becomes negative in my mind. Taking the edge off can be a good approach, but also feels unsustainable. I have too much fear running through my mind about this. I don’t mean to be so negative either — just trying to figure out what’s going on up there and get my feelings out on paper.
Life is more interesting afk. Words are more interesting when life is lived.
Gotta make a video. Gotta make it real good. With the good music and when the edits are nice and fast.
2 worlds diverged in a blue ocean
And the ocean is me
Sail yr soul out to sea ⛵
To see
Me
